The beginning and end of parallel time
by actually-i-prefer-highwaymen
Summary: A short story about Barnabas' adventures in 1970 Parallel Time.


The Beginning and End of Parallel Time.

Collinwood 1970 parallel time

Quentin Collins comes home to Collinwood after a honeymoon in Europe with his new bride Maggie Evans. He swings her around and kisses her as Hoffman enters the foyer. "Mr. Collins, welcome home." He puts Maggie down and scowls at Hoffman, "How dare you talk to me that way!" "But-but sir, I only said welcome home!" She stutters. "Get out of my sight Hoffman!" he shouts and Maggie cowers in fear. "Quentin, darling she only said welcome home" "oh so you're in on it too are you?" he fumes. "In on what?" she asks close to tears. "The plan to drive me mad of course! So my dead wife can come back to haunt me!" " Quentin you're scaring me!" "You're right, I'm sorry darling." he says contritely and holds her to him in a loving embrace.

"Oh Quentin, let's leave this place! We were so happy in Europe." "Europe..." he says looking away from her, "Don't mention that place to me. I went there with... her." "Her? But darling you were there with me!" "You?" and then he turns around and screams in horror (sounded startling like a woman) as he looks at her. "You've come back from the dead! You've come back to drive me mad!" "No Quentin, I'm Maggie, I'm not dead. I'm you're wife that's alive remember?" she says annoyed. "Oh, yes, so you are .Sorry about that." "Quentin when did you get a British accent?" she asks puzzled. "Oh that," he replies waving his hand in a nonchalant gesture, "It comes and goes, don't pay any attention to it."

"Maybe I should go Quentin." Maggie says looking at him oddly. "Maybe we don't belong together. Maybe we don't belong in this house." "No!" he cries desperately, "You can't leave me! Don't you know I love you Maggie! I need you, here in this house with me." "Well, if your sure." "Of course! Now let's go on upstairs and make wild passionate animal love!" Just then there's a knock at the door.

"Why is there a knock at the door?" Quentin demands, "No one ever knocks in this house!" It's Barnabas Collins at the door. "Who are you?" Quentin demands suspiciously. "Why do you look so suspiciously like the portrait of my ancestor Barnabas Collins?" "Because I am Barnabas Collins! Uh I mean I'm an ancestor of his from the English, I mean Brazilian branch of the family." "Brazilian eh? We don't have a Brazilian branch of the family, whatever you're selling we don't want any." Quentin is about to shut the door in his face when Barnabas says "Wait did I say Brazilian? I meant the Lithuanian branch of the family." "Oh, well that's alright then. Come on in. Feel free to come into Collinwood at all hours of the night." "Thank you Quentin, I mean-" "How did you know my name?" Quentin cuts him off. "You uh told me." Barnabas lies, "Oh yes, I suppose I did."

Just then, another knock sounds at the door. "Again with the knocking! Doesn't anyone just barge in anymore?" Quentin throws open the door to see a woman, an exact replica of his dead wife standing there. He gasps in horror. "Damn it! An Avon lady! At this hour!" "No, no I'm you're dead wife's identical twin sister!" the lady says. "Oh yes, of course you are. Sorry." he apologizes and gasps in horror once more. "My dead wife's identical twin sister! Please come in make yourself at home! Would you like a glass of sherry?"

"But Quentin!" Maggie cries, "You didn't offer me, your own wife sherry!" "But I thought we were going to go upstairs and make wild passionate animal love?" he says with a pout. "Quentin, I don't think I can live with a man who puts the welfare of his guests about the welfare of his own wife! I'm leaving!" "Good riddance." the not so evil twin says, "I mean, I'm so sorry I couldn't get to know you. Would you like help packing your bags?" "No, I can't stay in this house any longer!" and sobbing she runs out of the house.

"Have I come at a bad time?" Barnabas asks, "Oh no, not at all." Quentin says with a smile. "Want some brandy?" "I thought you had sherry?" "No I just remembered, I drank it all." "Oh well, please don't go to any trouble. I don't drink." "You don't drink! What the hell kind of a Collins are you? Get out of my house!" He shouts and Barnabas runs out of the door. "Now," He says to the not so evil twin, "Let's go upstairs and make wild passionate animal love!" "But Quentin I"m not your wife." She protests, "Although I could pretend to be if you'd like." "Ooh role playing! Well as long as you don't come back from the dead that's just fine with me."

As they walk through the doorway on the landing, Barnabas comes back into the house. "I must get into that room in the east wing!" he says, "I must get back home! Parallel time is full of nuts!" So he goes up the stairs and finds his way to the mysterious room in the east wing. Pushing the door open he comes upon Quentin and the not so evil twin in a naked embrace making wild passionate animal love in the bed there. He shuts the doors quickly and turns away from the door. "I did NOT want to see Quentin naked." he grumbles, " Now how am I going to get home?"

Quickly he hatches a plan, He opens one of the doors and drops to his knees before anyone can see him. Crawling rapidly, well as rapidly as a 175 vampire can, he crawls under the bed to await the transformation of the room. Just as the squeaking of the mattress springs and the bouncing on his head begins to become to much, the room fills with a strange light and Barnabas is alone on the dusty floor of the abandoned room.

Julia Hoffman has thrown open the double doors and sputtering and gasping in delight cries, "B-Barnabas! You're, you're," gasp, "back! What are you doing on the floor?" Barnabas jumps to his feet as quickly as a 175 year old vampire can and drags Julia by the arm out of the room. "I want this room sealed. No one is to ever enter it again, do you understand me?" He says. "But-but why?" "Julia, the occupants of that other time are strange and terrifying.("Not to mention the Quentin of that time has a very large stick up his rear" he says to himself) Promise me now we'll never get involved in parallel time again." "Oh anything for you Barnabas!" she gushes, and arm and arm they close the door behind them and go in search of Willie Loomis to board up the dreaded room.

The End.


End file.
